How To Avoid Having Your Family Treat You Like An ATM

Is your family treating you like a cash register? If it’s reached the stage where you are seriously considering issuing them all with shiny new debit cards and unique PINS, then it’s time to nip the “free loading” behaviour in the bud. The alternative is that you might find yourself broke and burdened by an ever-increasing load of ill-feeling and ugly resentment.  Nobody has the time and energy for that, right?

In the spirit of “Indlovu ayisindwa ngumboko wayo” we thought this blog post would be appropriate. An elephant carries its own trunk, but it doesn’t cough up hundred Rand notes when the family is a little short 🙂

Dealing with family is tricky at the best of times. Throw money into the mix and things can get complicated very quickly.

Put your hand up if this scenario has recently played itself out like an all too familiar movie: The phone rings and it’s a family member looking for a hand-out. You don’t have the spare money, but you feel obliged to help. It’s family after all and if you don’t help, who will?

A month later the same family member is calling, cap in hand, looking for a little help until they are back on their feet. Against your better judgement you fire up your banking App and transfer more money, that you should be using to save or square off a few of your credit or retail cards. Deep down you know it’s only a matter of time before the phone rings again.

The truth is that once you’ve opened the door with a kind gesture, people (family included) may step right through it and make themselves extremely comfortable on your personal payroll.

If this feels exactly like your current situation, don’t despair. Here are two questions you need to ask yourself to get to the root of the problem:

Are you pretending to be a high roller?

Why have you suddenly become the family lender? The most likely answer to that question is because you seem to be the most “cash flush” member in the family. Those pressing you for money on a regular basis have formed an opinion (right or wrong) that you are successful, and money isn’t a problem for you.

You need to change that perception.

Now don’t get us wrong – we aren’t suggesting that you leave your car parked in the garage and walk across town to the next family braai to prove you don’t have bucks, but if you are a little “flash with your cash” dial it down a notch.

You are far better off taking a more understated approach when painting a picture of your life. If you run around town acting like the Wolf of Wall Street, then expect money hungry wolves to come knocking at your door.

Why can’t you say No?

Ever been guilt tripped? You put your foot down and say “No” and the person on the receiving end of that unfavourable outcome puts you on a one-way flight to GUILT ISLAND (the cocktails aren’t so lekker there!).

It’s human nature to want to help others, but it’s unfair to be taken advantage of. Learning how to say “No” is a lesson we all need to learn. You don’t need to be mean about it, but if someone asks you for something, rather than firing off your default retort, “Sure I can do it”, perhaps you need to take a second to think about it.

“Listen, I appreciate the fact that you are a little short of money, but I have recently looked at my personal budget and I just don’t have the money to loan you. I’m sorry.”

Honesty is the best policy. If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. Why would it make sense to give someone money you don’t have, just because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

The family member, who is calling, is banking on the fact that even if you don’t have the money, you will be too embarrassed or kind to say “No”. In most cases they are right, otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling like you are being treated like a bank.

Now, this is an outcome that you should expect – when people don’t get what they want, they get a little upset and need a little time to process the negative outcome.

Most rational grown up family members should appreciate your honestly when you say “No”. It’s not the news they expected, but they will get over it.

Other family members are going to take it personally (although it really isn’t meant to be) and those relationships might become a little frayed. Sometimes they will feel so hard done by that you could be on the end of some radio silence. That’s not on you. It’s on them.

This all boils down to one thing – If a family member needs financial assistance and you can help, do it. Don’t expect the money back, in case it does not get repaid 🙂

If the same family member is back again and again, understand that a pattern is starting to develop and you need to be firm, without coming off as unsympathetic.

If you don’t, you might become the family member who is always looking for a hand out.

Have any real life situations you want to share? Leave your comments below.

Until next time.

The Wise About Life Team